


Why Do I Need So Much Fixing

by Philosophizes



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-21
Updated: 2014-01-21
Packaged: 2018-01-09 12:22:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1145934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philosophizes/pseuds/Philosophizes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He never seems to be good enough- he's always lacking, broken, wrong. Always a disappointment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Do I Need So Much Fixing

He remembers being a small, weak child in a world where small, weak children died.

He remembers his officials talking about it, about him; about how he was small and weak and how Nations represented their countries and if he was small and weak then, well, the country must be too.

The country needed strengthening. The people needed strengthening.

This had to be fixed.

* * *

He remembers picking up a training sword, once he was tall enough, and swinging ineffectually, frantically at the people who were trying to train him.

_‘You’ll never win a war that way,’_ they told him.

He remembers drill after drill after drill and tiring, exhausted; and repeating day after day after day and never getting any better. One after another, his teachers quit.

_‘He’s just not suited for war,’_ they said.

This had to be fixed.

* * *

He remembers his brother handing him a rifle one day and how it just _fit_ in his grip, perfectly.

He remembers the building rumble and clank of industry and the looks people started to give him, startled ones as he grew suddenly, getting taller and wider and stronger faster than any Nation in living memory ever had.

_‘Not thirty years ago he wasn’t even to my waist,’_ they’d said. _‘We need to watch him.’_

And he was watched and he preened a little under the eyes of Europe because they were paying attention to him he was _important_ and when Austria and Hungary suddenly found themselves staring Russia in the face they called for him and that meant he was _strong._

But they were stronger and he was weak and lost and they blamed him and he was beaten and poor and hurting and _still weak._

This had to be fixed.

* * *

He remembers being told the way he used to be that he could be strong, he could be great, he could be powerful; he could _show them._

_‘We know how to fix you,’_ they told him.

He remembers agreeing because he’d been _trying_ to fix himself for nearly seventy years now and nothing else had worked, so it was clearly time to try something new. Let someone else take charge for a while.

_‘We work for your people,’_ they’d said. _‘We work in your name.’_

He’d been gaining ground but now he was losing it oh God he was still _weak_ and _broken_ so he told them _‘more more please don’t let me fall’_.

This had to be fixed.

* * *

(He remembers a café on Valentine’s Day with flowers he’d picked himself and a new suit and carefully-memorized instructions and a ring and he remembers realizing what a horrible mistake he’d made how wrongly he’d read everything and he remembers running out and making excuses and staying up all night, heart _hurting_ ; and thinking _‘This has to be fixed’._ )

* * *

He remembers having fallen; having fallen and thinking he was still standing above the rest and begging to be caught not realizing that they were never going to be able to catch him.

He remembers learning that pain is pain is pain and pain is not healing; pain is not strength.

_‘You monster,’_ they’d whispered; and they were right, he _was_ a monster.

He’d let them tear at his heart and soul and _thanked them for it._

This had to be fixed.

* * *

He remembers building and partitioning and scraping and staying quiet, listening to orders; and people said that was what had gotten him in all this trouble in the first place but no it hadn’t.

He remembers agreeing with orders so he knows he’s not qualified to make decisions for himself he’s _young_ and _stupid_ and _weak_ and he should let them tell him what to do and how to do it; he owes them that much.

He is less than a century old and he can’t chose a government to save his life, literally; and his brother, who stood with him and protected him when he didn’t deserve it, is trapped far out of reach.

The only things his brother hears about is how weak and horrible he is.

This had to be fixed.

* * *

He remembers gaining strength and years and influence and he’s not weak anymore and he likes to think he’s not stupid either; but he’s not going to make that mistake again.

He remembers the wall falling and an economic imbalance and he remembers the economies failing and blame flying everywhere and criticism on him and he remembers and he remembers and he’s _always remembering_ and  there are _always problems_ and he’s _always messing up_ and it’s in new ways with new things but they’re still _mistakes_ and

This had to be fixed.


End file.
